Ali’s Story Sessions Here Only Laughter Emanates
Welcome fellow ASSHOLEs!
!!!Heavy Sensitivity and Trigger Alert!!!
No. Not your gun, Billy. No. Not her pussy, Trump. No. Not your fur coat, PETA executive. Yes! You in the corner!
Ali’s Unimportant History and Viewpoints.
Stand up comedy type entertainment for: Readers, Artists, Beliebers, Poets, Lemurs, Achievers, Musics, Lyricists, Dreamers…
Fuck yeah. Hope. You’re so dope.
Dramatic Dmitry vibes only. Google it.
DISCLAIMER: Please don’t mind the capitalization throughout the first quarter of the story. It’s messier depending where you’re at on the OCD spectrum. I’m honestly too lazy to change it back to normal. I fucked up okay? If you like cutesy artsy fartsy shit like that; let me know and I’ll get better at it. Just bear with the “huge mood” or whatever the coke is pop rocks with weeny boppers these days.
It is Intended to be for Hidden little secret Stories and Life lessons.
Hidden Stories Intended for Life. These puzzles are meant to be deep and fun shit for the under 18 fuckers who definitely didn’t ask for their parent’s permission before reading here.
Feel it? Yuy! No? Dion! iCry… If a writer has done this before; which I’m sure one has; I apologize; I’ve never seen it before; I plagiarize nothing on purpose. I’m just a dumbasshole that creatively writes while maddeningly pacing the lines of anxiety.
I dont even know if I used semi colons correctly in that last paragraph. I think I forgot the apostrophe in the don’t in that last sentence.
Can you check for me? I cant even fucking read personally – AW FUCK!
Now that we’re in acquaintanences; I’d like to let you all know that I’ve Generated a lot of Anger in me from a tender Young Age. I’m here to Discharge myself in a Manner befitting of the 21st century as a Brown Male; Born and Raised in America. It might even get me KILLED, SHOT or even WORSE…
I’m TALKING about my JIHAD. My MARTYRDOM. My EXPLOSIVE…..
I’m talking about my FREEDOM of SPEECH, you RACIST FUCKS!
You may think I’m screaming; but I am just a product of Cold War fusion. The never ending paranoia reaction given to me bubbled up some strange complexities. Add a leak of issues from my genetics, heritage, and youth. Those fuckin things were then born to a profoundly broken and upper-middle class family – topped with a racist white cherry town in small America. Post-9/11 was pain. Brain. Hurt. Rawr. I am a WHITE DOUCHEBRO at heart TRAPPED in a BROWN DOUCHEBROS CULTURE motivated by my BLACK (HE)ART. I relate to 99% of America’s problems just from that statement alone. The other 1% won’t bring me that much money. Get businessed son. Crushing my capital gains son. This is America son. Okay I’m done.
My Passion has always been Entertainment because it requires Work and (He)art (so nice I used it twice)
I love to Energize. Symphonize. Caconize. Amplifize. Phantasize. Enlightenize. allyougize.
If I don’t make you cry; Shame on me. If I don’t make you laugh; Shame on you. If I don’t motivate; then J. Cole elevate; Hope you revelate and Peace rain upon you.
That’s not even a song of mine. I wrote it for ASSHOLE’s pleasure and stole the flow. Stroke my ego.
Little to the left.
I try to spread positivity and critical thinking – while critically lacking in both.
I Pride myself a Creator with tons of scattered intelligence culminated through years of Internalizing my Trauma and Grief. If I was truly white; I’d have to be a school shooter to entertain you. I gotta be Blunt. SORRY if that blew Smoke up your ass.
I’m certainly getting shot after this post. But fuck it; WELCOME to America; I probably would have anyway.
Oh come on! I’m a MOOZLIMPIZKIT born DESI PRE-MED TROPHY DOUCHE FAIL OUT with a HUGE nose and mouth to match (Resume: CHECK) I’m a hard target to miss. 9/11 really hit that point close to home.
Alright, ALRIGHT! I can go on all day with those cringe jokes and revenge bully out some self esteems; but Growing up in Arizona post-9/11 gave me every single terrorist-nickname-label-joke-insult in the burnbook. Everyday. All day. For DAYS. Many times fucking around. Many times far, far more aggressively than fucking around. Enough for a #MeToo that nobody really gave or will give a flying fuck about. Too bad you can’t market brownies yet? I just wanted to give them a taste of their own medicine. Fast forward a whole several decades later and now you get to hear some perfect comebacks! Ha! Take that Bullies! I’ve always been Demonized anyway; might as well go all out eh?
Back to the main attraction. NARCISSISM. Me. ALI. AWELEE. OLLIE. AllMI. FuckYOU. This is really about me, my FATHER, and Irene. IDK who the fuck Irene is but I’m guessing it’s the name of one of his mistresses.
Here’s what I heard when my father SPOKE to me as a kid W O R D F O R F U C K I N G W O R D. I am not making any of this SHIT up, and I’m sure it’s a translation that RELATES to anyone spawned in a BROKEN home or after that God AWFUL Baby Boomer ATROCITY. HISTORY is chock FULL of those fuckin THINGS. Some of the more alarming parts of this story are 100% true statements. Tone and all. I don’t mean to offend. Sorry I was raised this way! It’s a good laugh now 🙂
Read this in your mind exactly how I know you would the minute I say
Turban Head Shake
and enjoy you Racist Fuck:
“You’re only a man because you’re my son. Literally, you’re half of me. I’m too much man for even myself. Your other half? The half that’s not me? Boy. I wish they got rid of that at the c-section. That’s your psycho bitch mother. Beta, that right there is a woman. They’re cursed with that female brain. I’ll decide internally to myself about ALl OUR futures. I will hover over the entire course of your developmental years. I will employ the misogyny of a trillion suns and the racism of Fox News while she handles your critical and highly crucial to whatever the fuck shit I got planned mental growth; all by herself.
(INSERT MENTAL BLOCK HERE REGARDING DAD’S MOM/WOMEN/SISTER ISSUE HISTORY – RECORDING HAS BEEN REPLAYED TO SUICIDE)
You are the only boy of 3 sisters. I sure do hope this doesn’t bring you any sort of fucking relationship or communication problems towards females in one of the most sexually critical times in history! You really aren’t that unattractive, but I’ll feed you little mental snacks on our bicycle roller coaster ride called Abuse so you don’t get too slap happy. Me, being a psychiatric doctor with the force of God Bless Your Sexy Ass I Want to Have Your Children America and 6 decades of peak intelligence behind me – will have nothing but realistic statements and uselessly profound shit to impress on you that could’ve been learned in one binge session of the Godfather parts 1,2,3. You’ll learn nothing but rage from me, but you’ll learn a lot more from your mother. That cunt? She’s a stay at home valium machine thats only good for being my bitch. Did I mention she’s a stranger to the strangers in a stranger land? Welcome to my American dream! Her education, you ask?
These are perks of cultural arrangement, boy. I was a doctor by 20 in BatShitStan; who the fuck are you? Don’t worry, you won’t be getting any of that in America – not even comparable. But! Since you have half of me, I’ll try to redeem you. GENETICS BITCH, THE NEXT EASY OUT FOR CONTROL. I LOVE ALWAYS BEING RIGHT WOOOOOOO HAHAHA FUuUuUuuUuCK YOU FOR BEING LOWER THAN ME YOU GOT NO DRIVE INSIDE OR DREAMS YA HANDICAPPED DRUGGY OF A FAILED INVESTMENT
“yo for real. Imma let you finish, but lemme check back in around 19 years. See what’s good”
“Where are you going dad?”
“Oh, don’t you worry my boy, I’m always there son. Always. I’ll ALWAYS be there. You’re my boy son.”
“Is it cause you love me dad?”
“…..Yeah… something like that. Come; take my hugs and kisses; xoxo. Why are you hovering? Do you need money even though I know you’ll spend it on drugs? Want to watch an incredibly inappropriate movie beyond your years that I like cause it’s infinitely more entertaining than your presence? No? Then Uhhh, Bye Alicia!”
You see what’s funny is that NPD parents completely see you as a pet to be tossed around. It’s actually not funny but fuck it; live with it bitch. They love to pet you, groom you, and flash you (no pun intended) to their friends instead of putting in work to bring out the best in you.
However they handled you behind closed doors is between you, God and your Therapist.
No. Not your psychotic parents.
Your REAL therapist.
I hope you develop the intelligence and maturity to see beyond that.
Narrator: Ali never did.
Good job to those who have! Fuck those of you that were born with it.
This happens all when you’re as cute and stupid as an 18 year old college freshman in her first relationship. But then comes the real fun. It’s when you’re a failed college dropout of an adult and you’re everything but cute. When you come back home and you’re the farthest fuckin star from adorable topped with the stellar realization that you’ve gotten successfully gaslit to late bloom your entire life? Oh boy! That’s when 18 years of just mind fucking realizations all come barreling down in a majestic
TsuFuckMe wave of FUCK. YOUR. EXISTENCE. Every notion you had of raising or being raised -SHATTERED! You realize you were a default momma’s boy – you crave authority figure’s attention – (I just explained to you why Trump is president by the way – small tangent – like his penis and existence) – you’ve always been naive as shit while it’s getting worse – you come to a quick and crushing realization that you’re the dude that would get ass raped in jail. No love! Baby don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me, no mo. You don’t even see a GLIMPSE of any that til you turn FUCKING 18! Congratulations, you’re now an 8 year old trapped in an 18 year old body and one messuva complexed and confused person.
People told me to suck my parents off for being strangers in a strange land. Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME? ME?! Do you even fucking realize what happens at 18 in this country even despite that weird culture shit?! You can’t even fathom how far back I was left behind! You’re left to loans you can’t possibly understand, girls you can’t possibly fuck, and you develop the childish impulse level of a “white, pussy-grabbing male…”
“…ADHD” is what white people call it. They have the privilege to name and identify their problems effectively. The solution you ask? You suckers always POP that question. Go see Chappelle’s Netflix special and learn a thing or two.
Back to the 21st century alphaprotoapexpredatormale.
Literally all I see is drugs and titties flying on billboards right over your apartments and businesses; so I really don’t blame you for that one fellas. I went to school everyday at UNGSHU (U’re Not Getting Shit Here U) and would already have an erection and face on like Donkey Kong. It didn’t help one bit that UNGSHU had the prettiest gold diggers the world over. If you know me as an entire person by now (which you fucking should or get out of my space) you know that getting stuck in drugs and addiction was a perfectly acceptable and God-like level of self control. Being passionate really fuckin sucks. Having anxiety on top of all that shit is no Krispy Le Kreme donut.
(SERIOUS NOTE) I genuinely pride myself in getting out of that hell and trying everyday to stay out. I applaud those of you in your battles as well. That’s one thing I will never joke about. Everything that was burned in that fire; I inhaled it like a boss. I was a druggy poetic addeadbeat until my life began in my late 20s. I wish I had started life seriously before 18; you might have actually laughed at my stuff. I will never regret what came out though and I firmly believe you can too. Moral of the story – if an absolute piece of shit like me can vent and 3 people listen (Me,Myself,Mateo((<3ubro)) you most definitely CAN!
~ “I regret it all. I don’t regret living.” ~
-Allie (Bitchy Asshole. Motivational Origin. Last Seen Drunk Painting the Moon on a Mountain.)
Regardless, this is all about ME. The special is called Narcissistic Ali Disorders, MY fucking NADs! What the fuck did you expect? SYMPATHY?! Lol just kidding ❤ But you can only imagine what happens when NPD is added to that sugar, spice and everything nice mix. Oh shit! Professor P accidentally added an extra ingredient to the concoction……. chemical SEX! Thus the perfect family was born! We’re using our awesome cohesive powers? …
Back to reality.
Those of you who’ve been bullied into staying 8 years old their whole lives in this land of the free –
Harnessing those pains and crafting the ability to create, motivate and inspirate are what the real 1% are made of.
Not your fucking bank account.
I’m sure some sick fucks will find a way to manipulate what my message here is. Been doing it since the dawn of man time.
“THE ONLY WEAPON used for true change will be a WETPEN“–Allie
I’m biased in that statement as an artist; aren’t we fucking all? Find your bias. Write those wrongs. I was raised in them. Molded by them. I DIDN’T SEE THE LI (Fucking love Nolan)
These are my closing thoughts on America through my 27 years of living here as a brown man in Arizona.
America is not a melting pot – it’s a fucking pressure cooker. You know what’s upsetting? It’s white people that hired the chefs to handle that shit. They’re the ones who fuckin wanted the kitchen; they brought in the teams for smooth operation; they wanted to make a dish never seen before. The restaurant was progressing; everyone just needed everyone to fucking COMMUNICATE. Notice how I didn’t say how it was going. That’s a double edged sword. They were all working somewhat in unison though; and there was eventually going to be a new and improved dish.
But the head chef always needs to take breaks right?
Have a few smokes, unwind. So he leaves it to his fucking sous chef and doesn’t come back for a while. The sous chef (in his fear of not having control) sets the heat to max and see what happens; screaming magma all the way through the chaos and firing the workers. As always; though; right before total Daiichi; the head chef runs back in time and saves the burning dish. Every intelligent maneuver is utilized to try and get things in order and calm down the chaos. He is always at the brink of getting everything back to smooth sailing buuuuut
Tomorrow can’t be stopped; can it?
How does this all tie in to me; you ask?
I see my mom as a Democrat.
I see my dad as a Republican.
The House ended completely broken.
The Lawyer in between gave up at 4.
If you read through all my stories and annoyingly hidden ones; I’m leaving you with a couple little personal mental treats; and a fitting ending to my story. Thank YOU!
I hope I soothed your soul; my precious asshole 🙂
I wish the cloudiest alpaca gives you a gentle smooch on the forehead to wake you every morning.
I pray 72 virgins occupy your time every weekend.
I love how stunning you look in your best outfit. If you didn’t impress upon anyone that day; know that you glanced in the mirror at least once.
I Hope, Destiny and Fate have a glorious foursome with you to the bittersweet climax.
The Epic Drunk Compilation (An EDC Epic is next up for Ali’s Story Sessions 🙂 I Hope Only Laughter Emanated 4 You.
You’re my precious.
The one to rule them all.
Til next time!
~ ~ Catch me where the wind blows ~ ~
I’m just a resiDual of the In Div I Dual that was In Divide myself I Duel I can’t hide
–Ali (Real Asshole. Fear Origin. On The Run)